By KAREN MADORIN
If curses and death wishes worked, a fly couldn’t survive let alone buzz in human ears or crawl on flesh near my house. In the last two weeks, I’ve thought or said, “Die fly,” at least 10,000 times. Unfortunately, wishing these creepy crawlers into the afterworld has no effect. It’s time to plan an attack.
You’d think cooler temperatures would slow the little buggers enough that I could pop them into fly Valhalla one by one. However, flies on my wall or ceiling laugh until they fall watching me trying to smack their relatives into tomorrow. Rolled up magazines, mail, empty paper towel tubes, plastic made-in-foreign-places swatters, and good old-fashioned palms serve as weaponry when buzzing autumn irritants sneak into our well-screened home.
Instead of dead insects creating autumnal ambience, crushed paper goods and cheaply made plastic tools accent each room. Crinkled magazines and newspapers lie near chairs. Cardboard cylinders crushed in the middle flop to the point they’re useless as armament. Most distressing, I sport bruises where I slapped myself trying to kill these germ-delivery agents. Adding insult to injury, I run around spraying disinfectant everywhere flies land to eradicate their microscopic slobbers and poopers. Fly patrol in the fall is an endless, thankless job.
Fortunately, common houseflies don’t live long—about 21 days. Unfortunately, they reproduce prolifically. Under optimal conditions, a single pair of flies and their progressive generations spawn nearly 200 quintillion family members during a single reproductive season. Food supplies--preferably feces or garbage--initiate breeding behavior in these miniscule monstrosities. Such knowledge inspires me to clean obsessively. Don’t wanna feed those bugs and have them . . . you know . . . around our place.
Though nasty, these disease-carrying insects are aeronautical wonders, which explains destroyed paper products and bruises. To aid missions of destruction, I learned flies flap their two wings only as long as their feet are free to move—hence a reason to use sticky fly paper. Successful pest whackers understand these guys leap up and backward upon take-off. This bit of trivia helped me understand why those in the know catch so many more flies than less informed folk.
Today, scientists, undoubtedly individuals who grew up successfully trapping and smacking flies, analyze these creatures’ flight technology. According to Michael Dickinson of the University of California, Berkley, ``Flies are the most accomplished fliers on the planet in terms of aerodynamics. They can do things no other animal can, like land on ceilings or inclined surfaces,'' he added. ``And they are especially deft at takeoffs and landings -- their skill far exceeds that of any other insect or bird.''
What these researchers learned in their study is that fly eyes, possessing 4000 lenses, are directly connected to their wing muscles. The minute they perceive stimuli, their body responds. Don’t act surprised when you find out someone created a futuristic robot with fly-like eyes and flight properties to discover the secrets of outer space, spy behind enemy lines, or snoop in your house.
After researching flies, I don’t feel so bad about missing so many. When that nefarious pest sees me putting the whammy on it, its little wing muscles automatically react, leaving it to reproduce another day. While I might not kill every fly I see, I can starve them to death. Where’s the Clorox?