By STEVE GILLILAND
Exploring Kansas Outdoors
This week’s column is short on outdoor learnin’, but it seems to me we could all use some chuckles about now. So, if you can identify with any of the below, you probably should NOT be a fisherman.
When someone hollers “Quick, get the net,” and you dive for your smart phone to quickly pull up the internet, you probably shouldn’t be a fisherman.
If you worry more about whether your life jacket makes you look fat than whether it would save your life, you probably shouldn’t be a fisherman.
If you insist on scrubbing your hands like a surgeon each time you dip into your snack bag, you probably shouldn’t be a fisherman.
If you feel the need to read a eulogy for each night crawler you thread onto a hook, you probably shouldn’t be a fisherman.
If you think “trolling” has something to do with ugly, wart-covered creatures that live under bridges you probably shouldn’t be a fisherman.
If a deep-seated concern for “night crawler rights” leads you to make midnight covert raids on fishermen’s cabins, emptying worm boxes and pillaging bait buckets you probably shouldn’t be a fisherman.
And finally, if bending or stretching the truth even slightly makes you break into a cold sweat, stutter or lose control of your bodily functions, you DEFINEATLY should not be a fisherman!
And along those same lines, if you can relate to any of the conditions stated below, you probably should consider yourself AN OLD fisherman.
You’re probably an old fisherman if you still smell like Ben Gay even after you’ve cleaned your fish.
If, after reaching quickly under the boat seat for the dip net, you’ve found yourself holding your cane instead, you’re probably an old fisherman.
If you have ever started to hold the line between your teeth only to discover you’ve left your teeth at home at home, you’re probably an old fisherman.
If removing that occasional fishbone from your teeth can now be accomplished by removing your teeth and tapping them on the table, you just might be an old fisherman.
If you’re shore lunch during a fishing trip now includes a tall, cool thermos of Metamucil and a box of prunes, you’re probably an old fisherman.
If your fishing buddies are now more than happy to take you along to their secret “honey holes” because they are confident you’ll never remember where you were anyway, you’re probably an old fisherman.
You’re probably an old fisherman if your wife now begs to go fishing with you because she’s afraid you’ll forget your way back home (you should feel lucky she wants you back home).
You’re probably an old fisherman if you recently removed a seat from your boat to make room for your walker.
You just might be an old fisherman, if to you, the letters GPS mean Gotta’ Pee Soon
And finally, it’s easy for anyone to drive off with their coffee cup sitting on the roof or the bumper of the pickup, but if you have gotten to the lake and turned around to back your boat down the boat ramp only to discover the boat was still parked in the driveway at home, you’re an old fisherman.
Steve can be contacted by email at [email protected].